1. It is better to have hit your dad’s car and been forced to go back to a push mower than to have never ridden the riding mower at all.
     

  2. Never take fashion advice from your mother

    That is not to say anything (bad or otherwise) about your mother, or any mother in particular for that matter. But the fact of the matter is that it is the rare exception when a Mom has a good grasp of the next generation’s fashion. If you have nobody else to ask, then ask your mother what to do… and then do the opposite.

    Perhaps I should illustrate with an example. Your grandmother—wonderful woman that she is—is definitely not the exception that “proves the rule.” My senior year of high school, a time when I should have been on top of the world (at least in my own eyes), she not only let me out of the house in, but also explained plainly that she thought an outfit consisting of medium-dark blue khaki pants with a bright red and yellow plaid shirt was not only “fine” but “looked good.” She was so convincing that I wore this ensemble no less than half a dozen times that year.

    I hope you’re cringing with me, not at me.

    My advice is to make friends with someone from your own generation who will be brutally honest with you, learn to accept criticism (failure is underrated), and make liberal use of picture messaging if necessary.

    Just don’t ask your mother.

     

    fashion mom never 

  3. On Going To The Bathroom

    No blog of advice from father to son is complete without an entry on the pitfalls of the men’s room, so let’s get that out of the way first. As we learned from Spider Man, “With great power comes great responsibility;” and such is the case with the power to pee while standing up.

    A man who rails against the idea of having to put the toilet seat down after urinating for the benefit of women has never himself fallen in during a hasty or late night visit. It is at once shocking, disgusting, and humiliating. Do her, and yourself, a favor, and just get used to it.

    Urinals also pose an interesting challenge. Like guns before the invention of the assembly line, each seems to be crafted individually for its unique installation; with differing “sweet spot” locations, and a cacophony of spatter angles. Do yourself a favor and just pee straight down into the water. Nine out of ten times, this method will protect you from embarrassing spatter on the front of your pants or tops of your shoes. This doesn’t apply to the waterless urinals that have been gaining preference for their ecological benefits. In their case, my best advice is just to try to stand sort of off to one side and aim across a slanted surface to keep the reflection angle high, and more importantly, away from you. (Side note: Think of this when complaining that you’ll “never use” what you learn in geometry class.)

    Long ago (in college) a friend of mine enlightened me on what he called “perfect pooping posture,” and which I have come to think of as P-cubed. Too often, in want of comfort, we find ourselves hunched over, elbows on knees, in a position that it turns out is counter productive to the task at hand. If, instead, you sit straight up or even lean back slightly, and arch your back, you should find that things happen a little more easily. Think of it this way: When you hunch over like that, everything has to make a hard U-turn on its way out, which slows down traffic considerably. Honestly, I feel like I could poop just thinking about it.

     

    bathroom